Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ' Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else
there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the
background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME '


The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Don't f%@# with Mommy when she's been drinking."

50 ways to FREAK your roommate50 ways to FREAK your roommate

1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave
"Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your
roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair
of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and
dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying,
"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate
to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like,
THEY, were here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach.
Then buy him/her some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much
"Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they
deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your
roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been
having terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If
your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or
you'll have to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic
potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do
the same.
10."Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen
donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home.
Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to
sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around
the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't
know what he/she is talking about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's
spreading, it's spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw
everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly.
Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door.
Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream
continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her
and call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate
and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it,
yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your
roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and
the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh,
him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin.
Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the
other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write
out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that
your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs,
excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell
your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks,
say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When
you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I
remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone
a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go
through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in,
sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near
future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate
that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T. V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your
roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain
loudly that you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T. V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day,
when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to
be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the
window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate.
Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your
roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some
into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several
weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that
"It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then
stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your
roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open
and close the broken window as you normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit
the bull's eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the
frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your
roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an
elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream,
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to
bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and
shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When
he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the
hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say,
"I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor
and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

Hoe verander jy 'n weeshuis in 'n malhuis...?






Rol 'n koekie by die gang af!

some 1 liners from mister Hilton.

1. I was so poor growing up… if I wasn't a boy… I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4.. One day I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early".
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning… put a shirt on & a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby… My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly… My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10.. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly… my mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15.. I'm so ugly… I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said… "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

THIS MAY BE AFRIKAANS, BUT STILL FUNNY


Raad oor die huwelik uit 'n kind se oë
Huwelik :

Raad oor die huwelik uit die mond van die suigling.


Hoe besluit jy met wie om te trou?

Jy moet iemand soek wat van dieselfde goed as jy hou. Soos bv. as jy van
sport hou moet sy daarvan hou dat jy van sport hou en die chips en dip bly aandra. (Alan, 10)

Geen mens besluit regtig voor hulle groot is met wie om te trou nie. God
besluit dit lank voor die tyd, en jy vind eers later uit met wie jy sit. (Kirsten, 10)

Wat is die regte ouderdom om te trou?

Drie en twintig - want dan ken jy die persoon vir 'n ewigheid. (Camile, 10)

Geen ouderdom is 'n goeie ouderdom nie. Jy moet simpel wees om te trou (Freddie, 6)

Hoe kan 'n vreemdeling getroude paartjies uitken?

Jy sal maar moet raai, maar kyk of hulle op dieselfde kinders skree. (Derrick,

Wat dink jy het jou ma en pa in gemeen?

Nie een van hulle wil nog kinders hê nie. (Lori,

Wat doen meeste mense as hulle uitgaan?

Uitgaan is vir die plesier en mense moet dit gebruik om mekaar beter te leer
ken. Selfs seuns het iets om te sê as jy lank genoeg luister. (Lynette,

As mense die eerste keer uitgaan vertel hulle vir mekaar 'n klomp leuens wat
hulle genoeg interesseer om weer uit te gaan. (Martin, 10)

Wat sal jy doen as jou eerste afspraak skeef loop?

Ek sal huistoe hardloop en maak of ek dood is. Die volgende dag sal ek al
die koerante bel om seker te maak dat hulle oor my skryf in die doodsberigte. (Graig, 9)

Wanneer kan jy iemand soen?

As hulle ryk is. (Pam, 7)
Die wet sê jy moet 18 wees en ek gaan nie daarmee stry nie. (Curt, 7)
Die reël sê as jy iemand soen, dan moet jy met haar trou en kinders hê. Dis die regte ding om te doen. (Howard,

Is dit beter om te trou of moet mens alleen bly?

Dis beter vir meisies om alleen te bly maar seuns het iemand nodig om agter hulle aan te loop en skoon te maak. (Anita, 9)

Hoe sal die wêreld anders wees as mense nie getrou het nie?

Daar sal verseker 'n klomp kinders wees wat verduidelikings soek (Kelvin,
And the winner is....
Hoe sal jy 'n huwelik laat werk?

Vertel vir jou vrou dat sy mooi lyk al lyk sy soos 'n lorrie. (Kelvin,

LITTLE LARRY

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'



Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mom .....'