A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
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| Cheese Sandwich $1.50 |
| Chicken Sandwich $2.50 |
| Hand Job $10.00 |
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Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar, and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am,"
The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars
that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the
car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some
reason you would simply accept this..

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
per cent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning
light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

PS - when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign
country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car
yourself!!!!

Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
ba...by planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to ask me?'
The boy said, 'Yes she did.'
'Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com
always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!'

TH

A little boy’s mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"



Pussy is the word your looking for!!

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .