A husband promises his wife he'll be home from a work party before 11pm, but barely manages to stumble through the front door of his house when he passes clean out at 3am.

The next morning, he wakes up to find his wife walking into the bedroom with a black eye and holding a freshly made breakfast on a tray...

He asks her what the heck happened and why he deserves breakfast in bed especially after coming home way too late and drunk as a skunk! To which she answered:

Well honey, I stayed awake worried sick until I heard you open the front door at 3am, after which I heard a loud thud. I came to see what happened and you had passed out on the floor in the open doorway. When I bent down to try drag you into the house, you took a swipe at me with a fist, hitting me in the eye while shouting "PISS OFF I'M MARRIED!"

LOL!

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ ............... But I was wrong, too!"

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!

————————————————————

I asked my wife,

‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’

she said.

So I suggested,

‘How about the kitchen?’

————————————————————

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said,

‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying

‘Yes..’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

————————————————————

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

————————————————————

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust’

————————————————————

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

————————————————————

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ she sighed,

‘He’s my old boyfriend….

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My my!’ I said,

‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

————————————————————

The broken lawn mower:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said,

‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Register

1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three
days.
5... She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. The patient refused autopsy.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Old but DARN good! Just click on it and it should go bigger.